Charlotte A. Polston

Love you and will miss my Lake Buddy and good friend.

You were a great mom and I wish you believed that more than you did, you were special and 30nyears wasn’t long enough. 6 years with you grandma by your favorite person was not long enough. Only you and God know why this is how you left us.. I think back on the last decade of your life with so many memories and with that so much sadness, bc you didn’t have a easy last 10 years or so and in fact you had escaped death in 2014 fallin 70 feet off the diving cliff. You came back stronger. Years after another accident leaving u bed bound for a short amount of time, and the constant inner feeling of wanting nothing but to have a true love to stand beside you and go thru life with. You truly did not deserve the quality of life your life had fizzled down to the last ten years. But in that same light I am so glad I was able to make you a grandma. I truly believe addie. Gave u the unconditional love you searched your whole life for , ina sense. Thank you so much for all the wisdom you shared and the help with my daughter and the moments between you and addie held so close to eachothers hearts only uband her shared and know. I thank God having addie also gave me the last few years of your life (not knowing it then) that she brought us closer than we ever were my whole life, and I wouldn’t change it if I could. Addie gave me the relationship with you that was so desperately needed for so long for you and me both. I just wish I could have been closer to you my entire life and nit just the last 6 years of your life. But , I forever will cherish our small amount of time bc may have been a small amount of time but it was ful of lifetime of love . I never second guessed your choices your mistakes and what was the bond between you and I, even tho I kmow you constantly battled it in your mind and heart , thinking of time lost and what could have been if things were just a little different. But it was what it was and no amount of times me reassuring you that you were a good mom no matter what had hapen and what we didn’t get to have ,, you just couldn’t let it go. I get it being a mother my self. I often feel mom guilt will kill me. I just wish your last few weeks alive could have been so so so different. The last few weeks and the last 20 years. You deserved so much better and so much more than your hand of life dealt you. You did not deserve to be in the state of mind , the pain , anxiety worrisome, mind full of all the regrets and words unspoken and moments that unwere reliving in your mind and prolly full of so many what ifs. You deserved better in so many ways. That being said, I will live with your memory and take the life my mommy had and learn from it and for now on live for myself and my daughter, be strong and independent, let go of things that can’t be changed and learn to LIVE not EXIST. LOSING YOU reminded me how short life really is. I wish you didn’t keep so many emotions and things bottled up, I wish you would have just learned to love yourself first and live your life for you, instead of lookin for love and settling instead of being selfish and kept looking till u found someone who deserved you. I wish you valued your self and your existence as a individual instead of thinking that being with someone was the better option thus leaving you to accept sub par significant others. The kind spirt you had wanted to just see the good in someone no mater how much they showed you the opposite. I wish in the last 3 years of your life, you felt loved instead of forgotten, u felt wanted instead of forgotten, that you felt loved by someone you loved, I wish you could have felt whole instead of empty. I wish you had felt happiness instead of regret and I wish you spent more time loving your self instead of wondering why you weren’t enough. I wish u felt joy and I wish u learned to be happy alone. I wish whoever or whtever in your past lead you to believe that your worth and your guality of life was measured by if you had a man or not, intruly wishband hope whatever made you believe thay your whole life that having a man even if it wasn’t what u deserved and was bad more than good, was one thenmost important things to have. I wish you could have found someone who made you feel beautiful and special and loved as much as all the love you gave, instead of someone making you feel inferior, someone making you feel alone, someone making you feel your best you. I wish so fucking much YOU could have been the one who made you feel lived, special, beautiful, and wanted. You were your soul mate and missing puzzle peice the whole time. I just with you believed that. You deserved it. I truly hope your watching over us esp mawmaw. She seems so angry and hopeless. Watch over your angel dumpling , she has your eyes and the color of them to. She is growing up to be a really good human being, she even has been recognized more than once for being an ideal student and friend and influence on the other kids in her school. I can’t help but to feel you shaped and molded her and helped her become all that she is now and will be , bc of all the time you two spent together when shebwas a baby. Watch over Alex. He is an amazing loving kind human that the world need more of, he’s finally got a job and he is doing good. I won’t let you down, I promise addie will know all about you, as now she’s older an will be able to remember more. She loves her granny and misses you. I have so much to say. But I’ll just pray to you instead.